True Beauty

I've been thinking a lot lately about what true beauty is. I've struggled with acne since I was 18, despite every effort to try and heal it. I can honestly say that I have spent countless hours in front of the mirror in total despair, I've skipped out on social functions because my face was broken out. Looking back now I see all the many opportunities I have missed at making friends and memories because I was afraid of my reflection. I stopped trying to look like what the media says I should look like a long time ago: (stick thin, big boobs, fake tan, etc) , but when will I let go of what I think I should look like and love the person God has made. For the past week I've done a little experiment with myself, every time I look in the mirror and my thoughts tell me, your so ugly look at your face it's destroyed or look at your stretch marks, no one could love that body, I simply rebuke those thoughts and say to myself, I was created in the image of God, this is who God created me to be, I am not perfect, but I will not let this minor flaw keep me from being who God wants me to be. When I think of beautiful women, I used to think people like Madonna but now I honestly can say when I think of true beauty, her's is the face that comes up over and over. I never knew much about her until I recently discovered her story. She stood up for people that no one else wanted and was bold and I know for a fact she did not stare endlessly into the mirror with discontent...I want to be more like her everyday.

Why I decided to not eat meat

I get asked this a lot, most of the time I find myself quickly saying "because I like animals." I do this so I won't have to go into all the details just to have people scoff at me and look at me like I'm crazy. In this part of Texas not eating meat is like not wearing clothes, people literaly think your crazy. At the health food store where I work whenever I meet vegetarians or vegans I feel like we are a secret little society that has to whisper aout our lifestyle. I think I will put more thought into my answer even to those I know who will just laugh at me. Two of my closest friends always used to laugh at my not eating meat, I never pushed it with them and never tried to convert them. In the past year one of them has told me that she very rarelly eats meat now becuase it just doesnt make her feel good. The other friend who was overwieght and ate junk now eats very little meat and eats all organic. We are always inspiring those around us even if we are not using words. Anyway I stopped eating meat slowly. When I was 15 in home ec we went on a field trip to the slaughter house (yes only in Texas) while all the other kids either thought it was cool or really gross to watch the animals get slaughtered, All I could think was this is wrong. After that I slowly cut out beef, then chicken etc, then fish. The way I see it is I want to be the most peaceful person I can be. As St Francis said "Lord make me an instument of Thy peace." Knowing what I know of how animals suffer, and trust me if you don't believe they can feel, stare into the eyes of a cow that is about to get slaughtered and you see the same fear that a human being possesses. Later on I learned about the health/ecological benefits of being veggie which furthered my reasoning. People always ask me what I will do if my daughter decides she wants to eat meat. I think it is just like any other parent, we all want our kids to have the values we've instilled in them. I'm doing my best to try and teach her now why we don't eat meat, just as I teach her why I believe in Christ. There will come a day when she will have to decide if what I believe and have taught her is what she believes. The best way to teach her this is to live what we believe. If I profess to love Jesus but turn around and hate my neighbor she will never see the true aspects of beliving in Jesus. I also do not ever try to urge people into not eating meat, as the bible says not to argue about what others eat. I know not everyone could do it. I believe God created me with a compassionate heart and seeing an animal have its life taken away for human consumption was enough to stop me from ever eating meat again. Everyday I feel at peace about my decision to not eat meat....

The Second Day

The first day was hard, especially when Selah my three year old asked repeatedly where her father was. On the way to school she whispered to herself, "I'm never gonna see my daddy again." This is way harder than I could have imagined. Today I've felt very inspired. I'm prepared to take this journey. This morning for the first time in months I got up early and had bible study, then I went to the gym. It feels good not worrying about writing papers and test. Next week I'm preparing to start getting involved in my new church. I love my new church. We spent a year and a half at our old church and we felt very guilty about not liking it, but finally had to leave. After reading Shane Claiborne's book I felt a calling to help those less fortunate than myself in any way I could. Unfortunately, my old church did not do any community outreach, so I felt I had to leave. People had been mentioning here and there that I check out this church called the mission, but I never put any thought to it. Little did I know right around the corner from us was the Mission. Their motto is no perfect people. From day one there I have felt comfortable and felt that I was supposed to be there. At the mission I'm surrounded by outcasts, people with tattoos, the homeless, people who were addicted to drugs, people that society wants to shun their eyes from....The sermons are the kind that make you want to act after hearing them. Last week the pastor told everyone to do one selfless, kind act for someone and write it anonymously and place it in the offering. This is were I feel at home and loved. Praise God.

My Journey

My husband is deploying for a year, he leaves in the morning. I'm sad, but I'm also thankful to be able to use this time to focus on God, and what his will for my life is. Too many times I worry about what my will is for my life. I want to learn how to simplify my life, I want to teach myself to cook while he is away(he wants to be a vegan chef so he does the cooking.) I want to learn how to be a patient, loving mother, learn to deal with my anger better, focus on creating art that glorifies God. For the past two years I've been in school full time to be an art teacher, I've focused all my energy into that. I got straight A's and loved learning, but I really feel I need to take this time and learn how to love. Learn how to love people who live in this small town who view me as a freak, people who are less fortunate than me, my daughter, my parents, my husband, myself, and most important God. This is my journey, my journey to learn to love.